Hello, it's been a while. But, today I am feeling up to this.
For many years, I lived an almost dreamlike bliss...
Until, the year my father died, and I became sick.
My B12....pernicious anemia.
I got better ... it felt that way to me.
I got mentally better.
Then a year ago, surgery.
and I felt better... it felt like I was.
This year, after my brother in law died...I became very sick...again.
I was shaking uncontrollably...I could hardly walk.
I was dreaming while awake.
On that final day, I lay down and began to hallucinate...
A tiny Shiva was beside me saying..." Do you really want to die???"
The hallucination was enough to make me go back to my doctor.
My vitamin D tested at 15. After MRI's and other blood work it was found that my brain was still okay... and I was given 50,000 D each week.
Slowly, slowly I have become normal.
Normal, no Sanskrit words flowing from me...no more weird auras around people.... no more strangeness.
And I can handle that completely.
Everything I have experienced was a direct result of Megaloblastic anemia.
100%.
Some of my children have also tested positive for this disorder...
Some of my children now have the same eye damage I have. Three of them, and myself have tested positive for the early stages of Glaucoma.
It was completely my fault for our meatless diet.
Compounded by the fact our Native American heritage made us unable to process B12 correctly.
I am on a host of pills now, and will see a metabolic specialist in a month.
and some of my children are also on a host of pills...and will see specialists.
In thirty years, I had two doctors appointments. I can't stand going.
and now...I have no choice.
But, today I write this fully healthy, and in my right mind...thank God.
Like a person who went on a drinking binge, I read through my blog in horror. I was half out of my mind sick. But, I still feel horrible for being the crying mess I was for the past several years.
I will apologize for being so out there, believing in signs... believing God would be here.
If He is... He certainly isn't divulging it.
He's cool... and a rule follower. I am glad.
What I have discovered from this....
The mind creates what it thinks, if given permission.
During illness, we are unable to control that process.
Maybe being spiritual sometimes is a direct result of such illness, or our closeness to death. Who knows... and I frankly don't care.
_______________
Now, it may seem I am so cursed! I have been sick, then got healthy... sick...and healthy...sick...and then BAM healthy.
I just got back from my daughter's second abdominal surgery... today they take our her JP drain. It's been a shit storm here...literally.
But, good things have happened too. Our Pujari came out on the Solstice and we did a full pooja to Lord Shiva.
Besides, I do not believe all of this is a curse, it's just life.
Hell, the Buddha died from food poisoning!
He was the nicest, most goodliest person on the planet!
Humans are ultimately apes...and shit happens.
Oh yes, I said it... Shit happens.
Crude? Perhaps...but honest.
People have problems with honesty, they live in bubbles of their own reality.
Whilst the everyday human.... the householders...muck through karma...and work.
We have to be wary, ask questions and yes... even be crude sometimes.
But, as I tell folks, until you have born a child out of you...worked to feed them... truly worked until your hands bled.
Paid bills and tried to manage through this society...
Do not judge me.
and I'll try very hard to do the same for you.
People get it twisted... they see a holy person ...or someone they think is holy...
They think, "this is the ideal for this life."
But, how can such a thing be true?
It's good enough these people exist and help society with their power.
But, for the common householder ... they hold no secrets.
As a Mother, who has sit up at the side of her child's hospital bed...while her fever raged out of control...
Do you think they know of this unique perspective? Do you think they can ever relate?
Until you have looked someone in the eye who is holding a weapon and ...in those eyes you see a soulless creature who is trying to figure out how best to kill you without wasting energy?
Do you think they could understand this situation?
Do you know what I was told when I asked a holy person what will happen to my children who love Lord Shiva...when they have only christians here?
They said..."be christian..."
"Christian, Hindu...all the same."
When I woke up from the stupor of my illness...this was the first words that came to me.
How ignorant that is, how deeply deeply devoid of life experience that advice is?
It was my fault, I asked individuals who had zero householder experience and expected them to have the answer.
No... it's not the same.
My child loves Lord Shiva...
She will never find a suitable spouse here.
All of the children in her class believe she will burn in hell for loving Lord Shiva.
and if she converted... do you think she would come back to my home where I worship Lord Shiva??
Never.
Christians here, they don't work like that. Children will not come to our home to visit!
The only children that accept my child are pagans...and they often have such crude lifestyles and rampant drug use... they make poor playmates.
Just too dangerous of an influence on young children.
Once, I had several pagans claim that by being chaste, you were following Christian beliefs. So ignorant of the fact... just because you have a choice, doesn't mean you do it.
So between altruistic "wise men" and self indulgent "savages" I have been seeking answers.
What I have discovered is that no one here has the secrets of the universe.
People are people.
You can say learning about Dharma, the wise man does have its advantages.
You could have the "wise man" who has no understanding at all of the every day struggles of the common householder... yet all the wealth of information about dharma and the Lord.
You can have all the wisdom of how to cook, sew, birth children and raise them... grow gardens, crochet, paint, write, fix sinks and toilets, repair cars...and every sundry menial task under the sun... But you still won't know the vedas until you crack them open and begin on a path to Dharma.
But, you see, the householder does have the potential for the wider perspective.
After all that living, striving...they can get to a point of seeking the same thing that "wise man" was offering.
The potential is there.
The wise man role is limited in every aspect.
As a Savage I come to you with what little wisdom I could impart today.
Rules of the Heart~
*Be crude when you have to... tell a person who raped you to fuck off.
...and don't let anyone make you feel badly for that.
*Be real... When you don't believe... Don't lie.
*Don't worry about the secrets of the universe... no one has them.
*Don't take others words and ideas for your own without admitting you did.
*Don't beg for money.
*Don't pander to people who are powerful and throw away those who you deem worthless to your goals.
*Don't use people, even if you have good intentions.
*Don't dismiss another's feelings because it's inconvenient for you and your narrative.
*Listen to others with your heart.
*Forgive readily.
*Anger slowly and seldomly.
*Love hard and as often as you can.
*Give, even to those who will never know you did.
*Be gentle as you can with every single thing.
Side note, my child rescued a bird that was near death.
Just as his mother... sadly with the same result.
The wren died three days after he was found.
So for this tiny wren, I add one more rule of heart.
*Raise children with Love, and they will Love.
and....
With all my heart, I am wishing you well on this day. May Lord Shiva bless you all.
And may God have Mercy on us.
For many years, I lived an almost dreamlike bliss...
Until, the year my father died, and I became sick.
My B12....pernicious anemia.
I got better ... it felt that way to me.
I got mentally better.
Then a year ago, surgery.
and I felt better... it felt like I was.
This year, after my brother in law died...I became very sick...again.
I was shaking uncontrollably...I could hardly walk.
I was dreaming while awake.
On that final day, I lay down and began to hallucinate...
A tiny Shiva was beside me saying..." Do you really want to die???"
The hallucination was enough to make me go back to my doctor.
My vitamin D tested at 15. After MRI's and other blood work it was found that my brain was still okay... and I was given 50,000 D each week.
Slowly, slowly I have become normal.
Normal, no Sanskrit words flowing from me...no more weird auras around people.... no more strangeness.
And I can handle that completely.
Everything I have experienced was a direct result of Megaloblastic anemia.
100%.
Some of my children have also tested positive for this disorder...
Some of my children now have the same eye damage I have. Three of them, and myself have tested positive for the early stages of Glaucoma.
It was completely my fault for our meatless diet.
Compounded by the fact our Native American heritage made us unable to process B12 correctly.
I am on a host of pills now, and will see a metabolic specialist in a month.
and some of my children are also on a host of pills...and will see specialists.
In thirty years, I had two doctors appointments. I can't stand going.
and now...I have no choice.
But, today I write this fully healthy, and in my right mind...thank God.
Like a person who went on a drinking binge, I read through my blog in horror. I was half out of my mind sick. But, I still feel horrible for being the crying mess I was for the past several years.
I will apologize for being so out there, believing in signs... believing God would be here.
If He is... He certainly isn't divulging it.
He's cool... and a rule follower. I am glad.
What I have discovered from this....
The mind creates what it thinks, if given permission.
During illness, we are unable to control that process.
Maybe being spiritual sometimes is a direct result of such illness, or our closeness to death. Who knows... and I frankly don't care.
_______________
Now, it may seem I am so cursed! I have been sick, then got healthy... sick...and healthy...sick...and then BAM healthy.
I just got back from my daughter's second abdominal surgery... today they take our her JP drain. It's been a shit storm here...literally.
But, good things have happened too. Our Pujari came out on the Solstice and we did a full pooja to Lord Shiva.
Besides, I do not believe all of this is a curse, it's just life.
Hell, the Buddha died from food poisoning!
He was the nicest, most goodliest person on the planet!
Humans are ultimately apes...and shit happens.
Oh yes, I said it... Shit happens.
Crude? Perhaps...but honest.
People have problems with honesty, they live in bubbles of their own reality.
Whilst the everyday human.... the householders...muck through karma...and work.
We have to be wary, ask questions and yes... even be crude sometimes.
But, as I tell folks, until you have born a child out of you...worked to feed them... truly worked until your hands bled.
Paid bills and tried to manage through this society...
Do not judge me.
and I'll try very hard to do the same for you.
People get it twisted... they see a holy person ...or someone they think is holy...
They think, "this is the ideal for this life."
But, how can such a thing be true?
It's good enough these people exist and help society with their power.
But, for the common householder ... they hold no secrets.
As a Mother, who has sit up at the side of her child's hospital bed...while her fever raged out of control...
Do you think they know of this unique perspective? Do you think they can ever relate?
Until you have looked someone in the eye who is holding a weapon and ...in those eyes you see a soulless creature who is trying to figure out how best to kill you without wasting energy?
Do you think they could understand this situation?
Do you know what I was told when I asked a holy person what will happen to my children who love Lord Shiva...when they have only christians here?
They said..."be christian..."
"Christian, Hindu...all the same."
When I woke up from the stupor of my illness...this was the first words that came to me.
How ignorant that is, how deeply deeply devoid of life experience that advice is?
It was my fault, I asked individuals who had zero householder experience and expected them to have the answer.
No... it's not the same.
My child loves Lord Shiva...
She will never find a suitable spouse here.
All of the children in her class believe she will burn in hell for loving Lord Shiva.
and if she converted... do you think she would come back to my home where I worship Lord Shiva??
Never.
Christians here, they don't work like that. Children will not come to our home to visit!
The only children that accept my child are pagans...and they often have such crude lifestyles and rampant drug use... they make poor playmates.
Just too dangerous of an influence on young children.
Once, I had several pagans claim that by being chaste, you were following Christian beliefs. So ignorant of the fact... just because you have a choice, doesn't mean you do it.
So between altruistic "wise men" and self indulgent "savages" I have been seeking answers.
What I have discovered is that no one here has the secrets of the universe.
People are people.
You can say learning about Dharma, the wise man does have its advantages.
You could have the "wise man" who has no understanding at all of the every day struggles of the common householder... yet all the wealth of information about dharma and the Lord.
You can have all the wisdom of how to cook, sew, birth children and raise them... grow gardens, crochet, paint, write, fix sinks and toilets, repair cars...and every sundry menial task under the sun... But you still won't know the vedas until you crack them open and begin on a path to Dharma.
But, you see, the householder does have the potential for the wider perspective.
After all that living, striving...they can get to a point of seeking the same thing that "wise man" was offering.
The potential is there.
The wise man role is limited in every aspect.
As a Savage I come to you with what little wisdom I could impart today.
Rules of the Heart~
*Be crude when you have to... tell a person who raped you to fuck off.
...and don't let anyone make you feel badly for that.
*Be real... When you don't believe... Don't lie.
*Don't worry about the secrets of the universe... no one has them.
*Don't take others words and ideas for your own without admitting you did.
*Don't beg for money.
*Don't pander to people who are powerful and throw away those who you deem worthless to your goals.
*Don't use people, even if you have good intentions.
*Don't dismiss another's feelings because it's inconvenient for you and your narrative.
*Listen to others with your heart.
*Forgive readily.
*Anger slowly and seldomly.
*Love hard and as often as you can.
*Give, even to those who will never know you did.
*Be gentle as you can with every single thing.
Side note, my child rescued a bird that was near death.
Just as his mother... sadly with the same result.
The wren died three days after he was found.
So for this tiny wren, I add one more rule of heart.
*Raise children with Love, and they will Love.
and....
With all my heart, I am wishing you well on this day. May Lord Shiva bless you all.
And may God have Mercy on us.
