Hello and much Love,
So many things have happened since the moment we last spoke.
Lord Shiva is upon his Throne yet again in my home...in our private quarters.
I told my children it was to remind me of what we strive to be.
It's much more than this...but we can't afford to have a child become vegetarian again.
Anyway....
So my littlest son nearly died twice this past year...a child so dear...a bee would refuse to sting him.
He is tender...loving...always kind...the most considerate child...yet here he was...
This is the same child with POTS...we had spent several days after an episode to be able to diagnose this issue.
His appendix ruptured and after a week of back and forth...because the E.R. didn't see any reason for his pain...refused to do xrays, read them wrong once they did some on third visit.
After emergency surgery, he became septic and was diagnosed with peritonitis and ultimately ileus.
I wrote about this in Victorious...as this happened a year ago in May.
This child proceeded to bleed constantly after he was taken home from this event. So much so...we wound up back at the children's hospital several times...he was referred to a specialist.
He was diagnosed with Factor XIII deficiency...a hemophiliac .
Silver lining, it is a mild case...as mild as hemophilia can be...he clots, just not well enough.
They burst like bubbles... but Factor 13 is the best hemophilia to have...it is the mildest form of hemophilia.
Also, his twin and the other children will now be tested...this could explain why the MTHFR B12/Vitamin D deficiency made my children so sick.
The doctor who was Hindu became very concerned when I admitted we had been vegan for almost 15 years...
He said...YOU are NOT doing this NOW????
No...I smiled...no longer.
He did not get angry with me as our anglo family doctor did...he understood.
Shiva was around my neck that day... no words needed.
I was in the news this past year...not a particularly flattering set of pictures.
Swollen...broken... sobbing for the tragedy which destroyed our precious Mexico Beach.
On the 10th day of our stay in our home on Mexico Beach we rent each year...the world ended.... as the entire place was removed from the earth...along with half of our family's personal items.
The A.P. took this picture of my husband and I... in the living room.
Everything washed away by the wind...by the beloved Ocean...
Even my heart.
Another girl...would maybe begin to believe Lord Shiva was torturing her...
But not this girl.
I have no wisdom to impart with this entry...except to say...with 8 children...
Shit happens.
Crude, but adequate.
The bigger problems still loom....
I caused huge problems for my children...some of them are damaged for life.
All for this burning compulsion...to Love Lord Shiva.
To do the right thing.
I try not to beat myself up for this too much, I was fairly damaged too.
I mean...I believed He actually was out there...100%
Everything I wrote in this blog happened.
The visit to the holy man...the rudeness of the people....
As I have come up from this illness...and become healthy I felt so sad.
I am sure I appeared totally crazy believing in Lord Shiva the way I did... crying if I were even given the honor of having my flowers on the Temple's Lord Shiva.
It got me every time.
One of the last times I was there a woman told me to never touch the Bilva tree...
The trees I grew... She was so insulting to me...
I had to tell her many times I grew them.
Then she immediately asked me to bring her one. Tried to apologize by saying no one is allowed to touch them. As another person walked up and touched it.
I brought two for her on Shivratri...my very last visit, two years ago.
This was the last incident of many many years of being made to feel unwelcome.
There were truly good people there too... but for every one of them...five came along to remove me.
I was told not to put flowers on the floor...one night, our priest asked me to take my offering, two five gallon buckets of hand picked black berries on a beautiful giant woven basket around to the patrons.
As I begin to walk around...the big round basket tray covering my view I tenderly walked around...until a woman yelled at me for stepping on her flowers. The look of disgust on her face...
The countless times I was told to always wash, cut and place flower bunches in vases in a special place. A rich patron, queen of the building...saw this after we had been instructed and faithfully used the location out of the temple to fill vases...she removed us to a back kitchen so no one could see us.
We used the kitchen for the last two years...only to be asked why we were there, each time we did...
The look of disgust each time, starting with the very very rich woman...
We were doing our private pooja to Lord Shiva on Shivratri..
A man nudge me and out loud told me to never place my hand on the ground...ever.
As each woman...sitting in a circle with me...had indeed... the same left hand on the floor.
Not actually on the floor...it had a sheet placed down.
The women looked at him, these friends of ours...and then to their husbands in surprise. I would like to think they kept those left hands on the floor as a moment of solidarity with me.
The priest intervened upon that instance...told the man to stop.
But, he had singled us out each visit... with some new and unusual thing.
I grew so weary of this.
Our dear friend at the Temple would often say..."but so and so was polite to you..."
She didn't understand how one persons tepid welcome could be overwhelmingly voided by the constant onslaught of people who simply wanted us gone.
I had 100% faith He was real....really with me.
That we had been invited...by Him.
What I finally understood is that a great many did not have that kind of faith...were only there for the cultural kinship...and that I must have appeared insane for believing that way.
and I was...
For puting up with that for so many years...and still believing.
Faith brought me through those doors...allowed me to sing.
But now...I am silenced and unable to return.
That has not diminished the Love....it flows out in tears and words of endearment...
Lost... in time and space.... traveling on and on....finding no One.
The 100% falling to a frail 20%....
I Love you Mahesha... I Love you....
I still do.
So many things have happened since the moment we last spoke.
Lord Shiva is upon his Throne yet again in my home...in our private quarters.
I told my children it was to remind me of what we strive to be.
It's much more than this...but we can't afford to have a child become vegetarian again.
Anyway....
So my littlest son nearly died twice this past year...a child so dear...a bee would refuse to sting him.
He is tender...loving...always kind...the most considerate child...yet here he was...
This is the same child with POTS...we had spent several days after an episode to be able to diagnose this issue.
His appendix ruptured and after a week of back and forth...because the E.R. didn't see any reason for his pain...refused to do xrays, read them wrong once they did some on third visit.
After emergency surgery, he became septic and was diagnosed with peritonitis and ultimately ileus.
I wrote about this in Victorious...as this happened a year ago in May.
This child proceeded to bleed constantly after he was taken home from this event. So much so...we wound up back at the children's hospital several times...he was referred to a specialist.
He was diagnosed with Factor XIII deficiency...a hemophiliac .
Silver lining, it is a mild case...as mild as hemophilia can be...he clots, just not well enough.
They burst like bubbles... but Factor 13 is the best hemophilia to have...it is the mildest form of hemophilia.
Also, his twin and the other children will now be tested...this could explain why the MTHFR B12/Vitamin D deficiency made my children so sick.
The doctor who was Hindu became very concerned when I admitted we had been vegan for almost 15 years...
He said...YOU are NOT doing this NOW????
No...I smiled...no longer.
He did not get angry with me as our anglo family doctor did...he understood.
Shiva was around my neck that day... no words needed.
I was in the news this past year...not a particularly flattering set of pictures.
Swollen...broken... sobbing for the tragedy which destroyed our precious Mexico Beach.
On the 10th day of our stay in our home on Mexico Beach we rent each year...the world ended.... as the entire place was removed from the earth...along with half of our family's personal items.
The A.P. took this picture of my husband and I... in the living room.
Everything washed away by the wind...by the beloved Ocean...
Even my heart.
Another girl...would maybe begin to believe Lord Shiva was torturing her...
But not this girl.
I have no wisdom to impart with this entry...except to say...with 8 children...
Shit happens.
Crude, but adequate.
The bigger problems still loom....
I caused huge problems for my children...some of them are damaged for life.
All for this burning compulsion...to Love Lord Shiva.
To do the right thing.
I try not to beat myself up for this too much, I was fairly damaged too.
I mean...I believed He actually was out there...100%
Everything I wrote in this blog happened.
The visit to the holy man...the rudeness of the people....
As I have come up from this illness...and become healthy I felt so sad.
I am sure I appeared totally crazy believing in Lord Shiva the way I did... crying if I were even given the honor of having my flowers on the Temple's Lord Shiva.
It got me every time.
One of the last times I was there a woman told me to never touch the Bilva tree...
The trees I grew... She was so insulting to me...
I had to tell her many times I grew them.
Then she immediately asked me to bring her one. Tried to apologize by saying no one is allowed to touch them. As another person walked up and touched it.
I brought two for her on Shivratri...my very last visit, two years ago.
This was the last incident of many many years of being made to feel unwelcome.
There were truly good people there too... but for every one of them...five came along to remove me.
I was told not to put flowers on the floor...one night, our priest asked me to take my offering, two five gallon buckets of hand picked black berries on a beautiful giant woven basket around to the patrons.
As I begin to walk around...the big round basket tray covering my view I tenderly walked around...until a woman yelled at me for stepping on her flowers. The look of disgust on her face...
The countless times I was told to always wash, cut and place flower bunches in vases in a special place. A rich patron, queen of the building...saw this after we had been instructed and faithfully used the location out of the temple to fill vases...she removed us to a back kitchen so no one could see us.
We used the kitchen for the last two years...only to be asked why we were there, each time we did...
The look of disgust each time, starting with the very very rich woman...
We were doing our private pooja to Lord Shiva on Shivratri..
A man nudge me and out loud told me to never place my hand on the ground...ever.
As each woman...sitting in a circle with me...had indeed... the same left hand on the floor.
Not actually on the floor...it had a sheet placed down.
The women looked at him, these friends of ours...and then to their husbands in surprise. I would like to think they kept those left hands on the floor as a moment of solidarity with me.
The priest intervened upon that instance...told the man to stop.
But, he had singled us out each visit... with some new and unusual thing.
I grew so weary of this.
Our dear friend at the Temple would often say..."but so and so was polite to you..."
She didn't understand how one persons tepid welcome could be overwhelmingly voided by the constant onslaught of people who simply wanted us gone.
I had 100% faith He was real....really with me.
That we had been invited...by Him.
What I finally understood is that a great many did not have that kind of faith...were only there for the cultural kinship...and that I must have appeared insane for believing that way.
and I was...
For puting up with that for so many years...and still believing.
Faith brought me through those doors...allowed me to sing.
But now...I am silenced and unable to return.
That has not diminished the Love....it flows out in tears and words of endearment...
Lost... in time and space.... traveling on and on....finding no One.
The 100% falling to a frail 20%....
I Love you Mahesha... I Love you....
I still do.
